Paint me with diamond necklace!

     Mrs. Flinders decided to have her portrait painted.  She told the artist, "Piant me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, and a ruby pendant."
     " But you're not wearing any of those things."
     "I know," said Mrs. Flinders. "It's in case I should die before my husband.  I'm sure he'd remarry right away, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

What's your secret?

The novice ice fisherman wasn't having any luck, but another man nearby was pulling up fish through the ice. "What's your secret?" the newcomer asked.

"Mmmpximdafltmm," mumbled the man.

"I am sorry, I couldn't understand you," said the novice.

"Mmmpximdafltmm!" the fisherman mumbled again.

The neophyte shook his head and began to turn away, when the other man held up his hand. Spitting twice into his coffee cup, he said, "You've got to keep the worms warm!"

Newton's Third Law of Emotion

My Grandpa

     Three boys are boasting about their grandfathers.
     "My grandpa is a great swimmer," says the first. "He can swim for hours!"
     "That's nothing," says the second. "My grandpa goes swimming at six in the morning every day and doesn't get out till six at night."
     "Big deal!" smirks the third boy. "My grandpa started swimming in this pond 20 years ago, and he still hasn't come out!"

Archaeology 3000 AD

Isaac Newton Discovered Gravity in 1687

Why don't you play your age?

    A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel.  When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number. "Why don't you play your age?" he suggested.
 
    The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.  The next thing the fellow with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor.  He rushed right over.  "Did she win?" he asked.
 
    "No," replied the attendant.  "She put 10 dollars on 29 and 41 came in."

Do you have one to sell?

A businesswoman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her.
" Hi, honey," he says. " Want a little company? "
" Why? " asks the woman. " Do you have one to sell? "