Would They Come Out for Some Peanuts?

     A father took his children to the zoo.  All were looking forward to seeing the monkeys.  Unfortunately, it was mating time and, the attendant explained, the monkey had gone inside their sanctuary for some togetherness. " Would they come out for some peanuts? " asked the father.
     " Would you? " responded the attendant.

Samurai – A Japanese, A Chinese and A Jewish

     Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who sent a declaration out throughout the country announcing that he was searching for a new head Samurai. 

     A year passed and only three people showed up to apply for the position: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. 

     The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out popped a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead on the ground in two pieces. 

     The emperor exclaimed, “ That is very impressive!” 

     The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. Whoosh – whoosh went his sword. The fly dropped dead on the ground in four pieces. 

     The emperor exclaimed, “ That is really very impressive!” 


     The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. His flashing sword went Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. A gust of wind filled the room, but the fly was still alive and buzzing around. 

     The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked, “After all of that, why is the fly not dead?” 

     The Jewish Samurai smiled and said, “ Circumcision is not intended to kill.”

Just Jokes...OK？

選男朋友一定要挑自己最喜歡的

    男：為什麼我不能做妳的男朋友？ 難道是因為我沒有錢？妳就這麼膚淺嗎？

    女：你錯了，女人選男朋友，不一定要選有錢的，但一定要挑自己最喜歡的。

     男：那……妳喜歡什麼樣的呢？

     女：我喜歡有錢的。

How About A Dozen Eggs?

    Spotting one of his customers wandering the aisles of his specialty food shop, my boss approached.

    " We're having a sale on tongue, " he said, " Would you like some? "

    " Eeww! " shuddered the woman. " I would never eat anything from an animal's mouth! "

    " In that case, " my boss said, " how about a dozen eggs? "

He Hated the Book

    A man went to the movies and was surprised to find a woman with a big collie sitting in front of him.  Even more amazing was the fact that the dog always laughed in the right places through the comedy.

    " Excuse me," the man said to the woman, " but I think it's astounding that your dog enjoys the movie so much."

    " I am surprised my self, " she replied. " He hated the book. "

Seven Years of Bad Luck

" What are you so happy about? " a woman asked the 98-year-old man.
" I broke a mirror," he replied.
" But that means seven years of bad luck."
" I know, " he said, beaming. " Isn't it wonderful? "

She Is Left-handed.

 

A married couple, both avid golfers, were discussing the future one night. " Honey," the wife said, " If I were to die and you were to remarry, would you two live in this house?"
  "I suppose so -- it's paid for."
  "How about our car?" continued the women. "Would the two of you keep that?"
  "I suppose so -- it's is paid for."
  "What about my golf clubs? Would you let her use them too?"
  "Heck, no," the husband blurted out. "She is left-handed."

戴绿帽...

昨晚飯局上認識了一位大哥，
席間閒談基因改造食品的問題，
大哥很真誠的勸大家不要再吃 基因改造食品了，
他說：「這對孩子傷害很大。」
因為他的孩子和他做親子鑑定，
結果基因不匹配，
就是因為孩子吃基因改造食品把基因改變了。
語畢，在場其他人全儍了，
問他這些知識是聽誰說的？
他驕傲的說：是他老婆告訴他的……

你不是還有病嗎！

Check Balance

A Tank

My Goodness！

Car Accident

  

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. 

After a moment of silence, one of them says, 

“Wow, 

that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.” 

Me or football ?!

 

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football ?! 

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course. 

Suicide

He isn’t our Frankie

Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife,

 "He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?" 

 "No," replies the wife, " he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."

A Talking Frog

 
An older gentleman was playing a round of golf. Suddenly his ball sliced and landed in a shallow pond. As he was attempting to retrieve the ball he discovered a frog who, to his great surprise, started to speak! "Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a week." He picked up the frog and placed it in his pocket.

As he continued to play golf, the frog repeated its message. "Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole month!" The man continued to play his golf game and once again the frog spoke out. "Kiss me,and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole year!"

Finally, the old man turned to the frog and exclaimed, "At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog!"

Privacy is important.

Of course I should clean my windows.
But privacy is important too.

The handle is the best part.

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: 

" My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle! "

Psychiatrist: 

" Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part. "